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DeFrag
Moderator
USA
3409 Posts |
 Posted - 06/11/2009 : 22:19:31
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The 1st 2 are mine.
"Religion is simply a means for man to justify his own existence."
- Clarence Downey
'Is the Universe infinite?' "No, there's a brick wall at it's edge."
'What lies beyond the brick wall?' "Oh, the bricks go on forever."
- Clarence Downey
"AA is for quitters!"
- Jeff Dunham
-1 = (-1)^1 = (-1)^2/2 = SQRT((-1)^2) = SQRT(1) = 1
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"Beef jerky could quite possibly be the perfect food."
- George Carlin
"If God had intended us to drink beer, he would have given us stomachs."
- David Daye
"Everything should be made as simple as possible... but no simpler."
- Albert Einstein
"There are two types of people in this world, those who divide people into two types, & those who don't."
- Robert Benchley
"No soup for you!"
- Soup Nazi
A blonde, a brunette, & a redhead walk into a bar.
Bartender says, "Is this some kind of joke?"
Warning: This product contains minute electrically charged particles moving at velocities in excess of five hundred million miles per hour.
Note: Quantum physics dictate that when the consumer is not directly observing this product, it may in fact cease to exist or will only exist in a vague & undetermined state.
"Murphy was an optimist."
- O'Toole
"Duct tape is like the force: It has a dark side, a light side, & it holds the universe together."
- Carl Zwanzig
"I feel so miserable without you, it�s almost like having you here."
- Stephen Bishop
"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."
- Forrest Tucker
And your cry baby whiney opinion would be...?
Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
I'm not being rude, you're just insignificant.
Any connection between your reality & mine is purely coincidental.
Thank you. We're all refreshed & challenged by your unique point of view.
I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
I have plenty of talent & vision; I just don't give a damn.
You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
I'll try being nicer, if you'll try being smarter.
I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
How about never? Is never good for you?
How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?"
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?
Do I look like a people person?
I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
Chaos, panic, & disorder... my work here is done.
How do I set a laser printer to stun?
I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary.
Oh, I get it... like humour... but different.
"Recording is God's way of telling you that you suck."
- Bob Brozman"
"Music should strike fire from the heart of man, & bring tears from the eyes of woman."
- Ludwig Van Beethoven
"It's not what you do with the sound, it's what you do with the spaces of silence between the sound."
- Jimi Hendrix
"Starts out slow & then fizzles out altogether."
- Neil Young, introducing one of his songs
"I've lost a buttonhole."
- Steven Wright
"24-hour banking? I haven't got time for that."
- Steven Wright
"My teacher asked me what kind of animal I wanted to be, I said a bird. She asked why, so I could fly? I said no... so my shit would be white."
- Steven Wright
"Whenever I fill out an application & it says 'In case of an emergency notify...', I put 'Doctor'. What the hell is my mother gonna do?"
- Steven Wright
"When I woke up, everything in my apartment had been stolen & replaced with exact replicas. I asked my roommate what happened & he said 'Do I know you?'"
- Steven Wright
"I was driving along when I saw a hitchhiker holding a sign that said 'Heaven', so I hit him. He probably went there. He seemed like a nice guy."
- Steven Wright
"I was laying in bed with my girlfriend when she turned to me & said, 'If you could know exactly how & when you were going to die, would you want to know?' I said, 'No.' She said, 'Forget it then.'"
- Steven Wright
"I told my girlfriend I was going to go for a run. She said, 'How long you gonna be gone?' I said, 'The whole time.'"
- Steven Wright
"I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy."
- Dorothy Parker
"Everybody knows that's what aliens sound like."
- Bob Moog
"Why do you weep -- did you think I was immortal?"
- Louis XIV, King of France
"Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something."
- Pancho Villa, Mexican revolutionary
"I am about to -- or I am going to -- die. Either expression is correct."
- Dominique Bouhours, French grammarian
"A dying man can do nothing easy."
- Benjamin Franklin, statesman
"I did not get my Spaghetti-O's, I got spaghetti. I want the press to know."
- Thomas J. Grasso, executed by injection, Oklahoma
"You can't really dust for vomit."
- Nigel Tufnel
Dyslexic atheists believe there is no Dog!
Comedic response to a heckler:
"We'll have a telethon for you later."
Comedic response to a heckler:
"On a scale of one to ten - you're an asshole."
Comedic response to a heckler:
"Is that a wart on your tongue, or did you bring your wife?"
To a heckler who has failed to respond to an insult:
"What's the matter, got your tongue caught in a zipper?"
"Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing."
- Redd Foxx
"A good listener is usually thinking about something else."
- Kin Hubbard
"Nothing is as irritating as the fellow who chats pleasantly while he's overcharging you."
- Kin Hubbard
"It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has decended from man."
- H.L. Mencken"
"The trouble with a kitten is that it eventually beomes a cat."
- Ogden Nash
"Equal opportunity means everyone will have a fair chance at being incompetent."
- Laurence J. Peter
"Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be."
- Rita Rudner
"I regard you with an indifference closely bordering on aversion."
- Robert Louis Stevenson
"The United States is a nation of laws: badly written & randomly enforced."
- Frank Zappa
Sure, I'd love to help you out...now, which way did you come in?
I'm busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?
I'd like to see things from your point of view but I can't seem to get my head that far up my ass.
Your mother is so ugly, it looks like someone set her face on fire & tried to put it out with an axe!
Must suck to always piss on your balls.
"Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one."
- Albert Einstein
"Science without religion is lame. Religion without science is blind."
- Albert Einstein
It's against the law to let a fool keep his money.
The beatings will continue until moral improves.
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kulten
Gold Member
France
516 Posts |
Posted - 06/11/2009 : 23:16:23
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my own personnal quote :
in french (I'm French, sorry), I say : "C'est pas pire que si c'�tait moins bien"
I will translate like this : "'Could'nt be worst than if it was far worse"...
now, I love this one : during an interview, the journalist said to Johnny Rotten "What do you you think about the Rollin Stones ?", he answered : "I don't."  |
Edited by - kulten on 06/11/2009 23:17:24 |
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FRANZONI
Double Platinum Member
Ireland
3543 Posts |
Posted - 06/12/2009 : 00:17:22
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"Either the wallpaper goes or i do...." Oscar Wilde on his deathbed...... |
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zerksies
Double Platinum Member
USA
3406 Posts |
Posted - 06/12/2009 : 02:24:08
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| My favorite is " If Drinking and Driving are illegal why do bars have parking lots" |
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Right Foot Boss
Gold Member
USA
881 Posts |
Posted - 06/12/2009 : 05:51:55
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"Good evening brothers and sisters, friends and neighbors, vibrations in the mind of the one true God whose name is love."
Bill Hicks
"If you believe drugs don't do anything good for us do me a favor, go home take all your albums, tapes, CDs and burn them. Cause you know what? The musicians who made all that great music that has enhanced you life through out the years... real fuckin high on drugs."
Bill Hicks
"The world is like a ride at an amusement park..."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q95kX_EP2Nk&feature=related
Bill Hicks was a genius hero.
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nathanscribe
Silver Member
United Kingdom
376 Posts |
Posted - 06/12/2009 : 11:22:21
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| There are 10 types of people on the internet: those who think in binary, and those who don't. |
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silvertone6120
Gold Member
USA
609 Posts |
Posted - 06/12/2009 : 14:43:22
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"Time flies like an arrow...fruit flies like a banana".
"Outside a dog, a book is man's best friend...inside a dog it's too dark to read".
Both quotes from Groucho Marx |
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Joske Turbo
Silver Member
Belgium
412 Posts |
Posted - 06/12/2009 : 18:42:09
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"I only know that I don't know anything"
Sokrates
"5 strings, 3 chords, 2 fingers and 1 asshole: all you need to wright a classic."
Keith Richards
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redundant
Silver Member
Turkey
247 Posts |
Posted - 06/20/2009 : 15:38:06
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quote:
Originally posted by silvertone6120
"Time flies like an arrow...fruit flies like a banana".
"Outside a dog, a book is man's best friend...inside a dog it's too dark to read".
Both quotes from Groucho Marx
We're fighting for this woman's honour...which is more than she ever did.
If you were any closer, you'd be behind me.
Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.
Gotta love Groucho |
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Brutalitarian Supremacy
Silver Member
USA
270 Posts |
Posted - 06/23/2009 : 03:07:02
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| Those who can work do...Those who cannot manage... |
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kelmaur
Gold Member
USA
505 Posts |
Posted - 06/23/2009 : 05:37:26
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"if at first you dont succeed, keep on sucking till you do succeed..."
---my grandpa--- |
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cctsim
Silver Member
United Kingdom
418 Posts |
Posted - 06/23/2009 : 10:25:36
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This one cracks me up:
"There are three kinds of people: those who can count and those who can�t." |
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Best quotes, jokes, quips, & corollaries
